8. Our Emotional Content!

Our emotions are sometimes simple and at other times highly complex. How many times have you been flummoxed by your emotions? Plenty of times probably. I know that I have been flying high after a great success at work (e.g. a struggling student who finally passes an exam and comes to say thank you for your help or a dyslexic student who produces a strong written piece of work after hours of struggling to get it onto paper) and in a moment that can flip to a feeling of disappointment or disenchantment as you head into another meeting with a negative manager.

Emotional health is an area that many of us hide from by putting on a brave face. Hmmm…nothing like having false pretences.

At some point the masks crack and eventually fall. These cracks normally occur when our values clash with what is being asked of us. I know that’s when my mask started to crumble. Being asked to act several different ways to several audiences becomes exhausting and debilitating. We all play a part in different settings: parent/child; siblings; friendship; professional face/s; lover; significant other half; house mate; colleagues; social or personal space; owner of a business; employee; self-employed; etc.

So many roles and so little time.

Think about all the different roles or expectations that you have each day. Make a list of them to clarify how many different roles/expectations you have and what might be asked of you. You might find the list rather long.

My husband has had the discomfort of watching me go up and down and through the wringer with my emotions and emotional investments: to my job, my students’ wellbeing, colleagues, friends, family and him. At one point he noted I was all at sea, not knowing what to do with my energy or emotions and not knowing how to switch off. He asked me to explain what was going on… but I couldn’t. I didn’t even know where to start.

Oddly enough, that week whilst working on my mindfulness course, one of the journal tasks asked us to record our emotions throughout a week. My heart sank a little as we’d have to delve into and record what we were feeling. The week of this journal recording just happened to coincide with the week of our College inspection. I think the universe was jumping up and down with JOY but I just had a sinking feeling: another task to add to an excessive workload.

The journaling exercise was asking us to write about an event, each day, writing in detail using all our senses to describe the moment. The week’s prompt included an important reminder that, as triggers to emotional memory, smell and taste are as important as sight and hearing. The writing exercise was asking us to express your feelings about this event and how your sensory inputs and interactions with others made you feel. The final prompt was: take 15 minutes without lifting your pen off the page, just write. “Right,” I thought, “That’s a small, easy task!”

There is more to come in my next blog on how I did with this exercise. In the meantime, give the below a go.

Time to Have a Go!

Throughout the next few weeks take the time to write in your journal each day. Remember your journal is private and for your eyes only. You should take a minimum of 15 minutes without lifting your pen off the page.

Write about an event, each day, identifying all the emotions linked to the event. When writing use all your senses. Express your feelings about this event and how your sensory inputs and interactions with others made you feel.

For example: walking to school with the kids (note interactions between yourself, your child/ren, your partner, other parents, the walk itself – perhaps noticing of colours, smells, parks, trees, dropping them off at the gate, etc).

4. Our Stories, Myths and Fairy Tales

Our perceptions of what happiness and success look like are often shaped by myths, white lies and fairy tales. For many of us this begins within our families, directly from parents and guardians, grandparents, or aunts and uncles. They may also come from wonderful stories we were read or other interactions we had as children.

Many of the stories we were told as children were forms of fairy tale. Often, these stories ended with our heroes living, ‘happily ever after. Tales such as those of Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White or Peter Pan allowed us to escape into different worlds but also set an illusion of expected roles for males and females. All of them created a type of happiness and expectation without us really noticing. For boys this often meant fighting pirates, flying, being in control and exploring. Meanwhile, the girls would often clean things and pine away in a locked tower, awaiting rescue from a knight in shining armour.

Our interactions with family members are also a huge influence on expectations and roles that stay with us for the rest of our lives.

Almost all of us have a favourite story or fairy tale. I do and I bet you do too. I remember numerous fairy tales being read to me and my sister, when we were small, with princes and princesses going through trials and tribulations before ultimately living in the happily-ever-after universe. I’d bought into the world of princesses: I was a beautiful damsel and I would be riding off into the future on the white stallion of my rescuing prince who would look after me, keeping me safe, sound and happy.

Funny how life somehow doesn’t turn out this way. My late teens and early adult life was more along the lines of Princess Leia or Ripley from Alien, having to fight really hard to get what I wanted both professionally and personally, kissing lots of frogs and toads along the way, slaying evil monsters in my mind and not a white stallion or prince to be found. I was experiencing the trials and tribulations of young adult life by myself. I was unlearning everything I thought I knew about what constituted happiness. I was reshaping my expectations of myself along with my expectations of relationships and roles.

We all have been fed myths about happiness, contentment and success. Russ Harris explains that we have four Myths about Happiness which he explains beautifully in his book, The Happiness Trap (2008). Russ Harris explains how we are set up for our happiness traps both within community, family, cultural and societal expectations. These expectations are all based on our emotional needs and desires. I have paraphrased some of this below.

Myth 1: Happiness is the natural state for all humans.

No, it’s really not. Statistics show 1 in 10 adults will attempt suicide while 1 in 3 of us will suffer from a psychiatric disorder at some stage in our life. Non-psychiatric disorders such as loneliness, divorce, work stress, midlife crises, and relationship issues will affect us all at some point. Therefore, we are more likely than not to be experiencing some form of negative emotion at any given time. ‘True happiness’ is rare.

Myth 2: If You’re not Happy you’re Defective

Not true; but we have been trained by assumptions. Western culture in particular pushes this idea and it is reinforced by marketing and the Hollywood movie juggernaut.  We have been conditioned that mental suffering is abnormal and that this is a weakness or illness. REMEMBER: we all suffer painful thoughts and feelings.

Myth 3: To create a better life, we must get rid of negative feelings

Our western society tells us to eliminate negative feelings and accumulate positive ones. But there’s a catch. The things we value most in life will bring us a whole range of feelings both pleasant and unpleasant!

The Hollywood film Inside Out illustrates this conflict beautifully.

Myth 4: You should be able to control what you think and feel

We have a lot less control over our own thoughts and feelings than many us would like to admit or even believe. Our best CONTROL is over our ACTIONS. It is through us taking action that we create a rich, full and meaningful life.

So which myths apply to you?

Be honest: at least one applies if not more, and this is where I had to start to unravel my ideas of what is meant by happiness, success and contentment.

On my ongoing mindfulness and life journey I have had to learn to unlearn a host of emotional controls and myths. I had witnessed these, experienced them or had them demonstrated to me by very well-meaning adults or friends. I had to accept that those I blamed or held accountable for the way I was feeling were just repeating what they’d learnt or experienced as children, through school and family dynamics. The only way to change was to accept my limitations, work out the origins of some of my core beliefs and work through how they affected me.

The answer for me was journaling. If you can identify with the following sayings then it is time to review your perception of these common phrases:

‘Don’t cry’          ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of’      ‘Oh Dear…’         ‘Get over it’

‘Stop being a cry baby,’                ‘Do you think that’s good enough?’     ‘Dust yourself off’

’Is that really the best you can do?’     ‘Toughen up’      ‘You’re just being overly sensitive!’

‘Just get over it’               ‘Stop being such a  wimp!’            ‘You’re so naïve’

All these phrases teach us we should be able to switch our emotions on and off with ease. We are taught early to cover up our true emotional state and this is reflected in these common phrases and so many more, such as ‘have a stiff upper lip’ or ‘put on a brave face’.

Time to Have a Go!

Using a journal, consider the following questions:

1: Can you describe happiness for yourself? What does this happiness encompass? How do you pursue happiness in your life or lifestyle?

2. Are you aware of any factors or expectations that affect your happiness? How do they affect your happiness?

3. Can you identify any core emotional learning that you need to let go of? How does this core learning affect you? You might wish to consider your interactions with others, defence modes, falling back into repetitive patterns with key adults such as parents (parent/child roles)/partners/siblings etc. How could you let this learning go?

4: We all have favourite quotes and song lyrics. The following are a few of mine that have led to inspiration or ‘aha’ moments. I would like you to write about the following quotes and song lyrics. Consider how you feel after reading each one. Do you have other thoughts? Do you have other quotes that ‘sing’ to you? If so, write about these and why they chime for you.

“And I wanna see you
As you walk through the door
And time will make us
Some ways less and some ways more
And I wanna talk of nothing
As the world passes by
And I wanna think
But not to say

Let me face
The sound and fury
Let me face

Hurricanes by Dido

“I don’t think any of my family or friends would have predicted that I’d run my own business or be considered a successful entrepreneur. With my upbringing, there just wasn’t that kind of expectation of me growing up. But look a little deeper and I think that you can see all the ingredients and inspirations for what was to come.” – Cath Kidston from Coming up Roses: The Story of Growing a Business

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

“I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.” – Arthur Conan Doyle