10. With Gratitude Comes a New Attitude

December 14, 2019 by kateevershed

Christmas is fast approaching and, with it, we often find a build-up of our emotions. These may include excitement, happiness, dread, and perhaps sadness. Other festive stressors may also play havoc with our well-being at this time. These could be financial pressures, family expectations, missing loved ones, the passing of loved family members and dealing with estrangement. These stresses can combine and lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, ingratitude, an inability to cope with competing deadlines or an inability to meet set/perceived expectations.

“Being thankful is not always experienced as a natural state of existence, we must work at it, akin to a type of strength training for the heart.” – Larissa Gomez

This quote really sums up my journey to being grateful for what is around me at Christmas time. I had to work hard at being thankful for all that I had and learn to build resiliency with family interactions and not allow them to affect me too personally.

During this time many of us can express opinions based on our personal emotional states and this can create imbalance or hurt. Many of us feel pulled in many directions during this time and this can disrupt our daily routines. My family is based in Australia and my husband’s in the UK and, for us, some little things used to become big issues, such as meeting postal deadlines, late evening/early morning Skypes, organising travel and, in the UK, dealing with occasional weather-related disruption.

I learned to love the wintry UK Christmases and stop comparing them to my hot Australian Christmases that I associated with family breakfast BBQs and swimming at the beach followed by kicking back with friends and enjoying shared leftovers. For a long time, all I could see in the UK was lack of light (dawn after 8am, dusk before 4pm!), bitter winds, cold rain, fog, ice, frosts, low cloud, greyness, being stuck indoors…

“At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and, in the winter, my mood could dip very fast into depressive thoughts. Christmas could heighten this state and being away from family and friends could be a strong depressor for me. Seeing them on Skype enjoying the sunshine, BBQs and water activities made me pine for those activities too. During a particularly bad SAD episode my doctor suggested Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. A counsellor suggested I write down everything I was grateful for each day and evening – a list of five things each time. This was exceptionally difficult at first; but as I continued I found I could write down five things very quickly for each slot. That counsellor relit my internal light which had dimmed and it was the beginning of rekindling the spark of life within me.

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful – a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness – and it has two positive aspects:

It is a positive emotion felt after being the beneficiary of some sort of gift; and
It is a social emotion often directed towards a person (the giver of a gift). For some people this can include a feeling towards a higher power.

Working with my counsellor I built a reflective gratitude structure that, with practice, allowed me to be more mindful and thankful for everything I had. I was developing a conscious choice for gratitude, able to stand back and look at my perceived negative experiences with new, fresher eyes. I learned that negative experiences are an opportunity to learn, grow and change. I could identify my triggers more easily and know when to walk away to be more still or when a ‘fight’ wasn’t worth my time. Repeating cycles don’t have to continue.

The gratitude attitude can really work. For some complex issues, it can take time. For myself I have learned I deserve recognition, compliments, laughter and joy. I have learned to accept surprises with love and wonder. With my own growing awareness, I have been able to return to giving to others with no expectation of a response or recognition.I now thoroughly appreciate this time of year: the Christmas light switch on; sparkling shop window displays; Christmas parties; putting up the Christmas tree on 1^st December and decorating it with baubles and tinsel that twinkle and shine; choosing gifts for family and friends; and baking Christmas gingerbread biscuits or cakes to share with friends, neighbours and colleagues. There are many things to enjoy and for which to be thankful; but I had to learn to enjoy my new environment and re-learn to see the joy around me.

Time to Have a Go!

Creating a gratitude practice has many benefits and can be applied in all situations (work/personal/community, etc). This is the beginning of your new attitude towards gratitude.

Here are some gratitude exercises that I found helpful. (Some are challenging but you don’t grow without these!). Where appropriate, add in why each answer is important or supportive or inspirational to you.

Using your journal consider the following:

What does gratitude mean to you?

I am grateful for…
I am grateful because…
Gratitude makes me feel…
Some things that make me happy are…
Some things that inspire me are…
Some things that nurture me are…
Each morning and evening list a minimum of FIVE things for which you are grateful…

How you can actively shape your own life with gratitude

This part of gratitude asks you to consider your emotions, thoughts, responses, people and experiences in your life. Take time to consider these:

Feelings that I want more of in my life are…
Thoughts I want more of in my life are…
Experiences I want more of in my life are…
Who cheers for me?
Who are my support group?
Why are these people important to me?
What environments do I enjoy?
How do I support myself or show self-care?
Why did that situation cause me that emotion (e.g. anger/hurt/laughter/happiness)
How do I express my gratitude?
How I can invite in more joy?
How I can respond positively to a surprise/compliment/unexpected gift?

Meditation on Gratitude and Joy:

This beautiful meditation, to read aloud to yourself, is from Jack Kornfield (https://jackkornfield.com/meditation-gratitude-joy/).

Let yourself sit quietly and at ease. Allow your body to be relaxed and open, your breath natural, your heart easy. Begin the practice of gratitude by feeling how year after year you have cared for your own life. Now let yourself begin to acknowledge all that has supported you in this care:

With gratitude I remember the people, animals, plants, insects, creatures of the sky and sea, air and water, fire and earth, all whose joyful exertion blesses my life every day.

With gratitude I remember the care and labour of a thousand generations of elders and ancestors who came before me.

I offer my gratitude for the safety and well-being I have been given.

I offer my gratitude for the blessing of this earth I have been given.

I offer my gratitude for the measure of health I have been given.

I offer my gratitude for the family and friends I have been given.

I offer my gratitude for the community I have been given.

I offer my gratitude for the teachings and lessons I have been given.

I offer my gratitude for the life I have been given.

Just as we are grateful for our blessings, so we can be grateful for the blessings of others.

Continue to breathe gently. Bring to mind someone you care about, someone it is easy to rejoice for. Picture them and feel the natural joy you have for their well-being, for their happiness and success. With each breath, offer them your grateful, heartfelt wishes:

May you be joyful.

May your happiness increase.

May you not be separated from great happiness.

May your good fortune and the causes for your joy and happiness increase.

Sense the sympathetic joy and caring in each phrase. When you feel some degree of natural gratitude for the happiness of this loved one, extend this practice to another person you care about. Recite the same simple phrases that express your heart’s intention.

Then gradually open the meditation to include neutral people, difficult people, and even enemies until you extend sympathetic joy to all beings everywhere, young and old, near and far.

Practice dwelling in joy until the deliberate effort of practice drops away and the intentions of joy blend into the natural joy of your own wise heart.

9. Our Emotional Content – Part 2

November 26, 2019 by kateevershed

In my previous blog post on our Emotional Content I explained a journaling exercise. The journaling exercise was asking us to write about an event, each day, writing in detail using all our senses to describe the moment. The week’s prompt included an important reminder that, as triggers to emotional memory, smell and taste are as important as sight and hearing. The writing exercise was “express your feelings about this event and how your sensory inputs and interactions with others made you feel”. This mindful journaling exercise occurred whilst I was preparing for a College inspection, working through some exams and completing external studies. Needless to say, I didn’t do each day but completed them on days where things felt they’d gone awry.

One day I realised I had written four pages and was even more unsettled by the experience. I still wasn’t able to identify the true emotions I was experiencing. I went on a hunt to try to find something to help.

Many theorists have suggested journaling to express views and sort out emotional baggage, including Carl Jung, James W Pennebaker and Julia Cameron. But I wanted more information on the emotions themselves and how to deal with them. Again, there are so many theorists, from Darwin and James-Lange to Cannon-Bard, Schachter-Singer and Fredickson.

So much out there; but I just wanted a simple list of emotions to at least identify what I was experiencing. One book that helped was The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin which has pages of positive and negative emotions to choose from. Then I found the following lovely table from Positive Psychology (https://positivepsychology.com/emotion-wheel/) that explains the joining of the emotions and how they work:

Love	Joy + Trust	Remorse	Sadness + Disgust
Guilt	Joy + Fear	Envy	Sadness + Anger
Delight	Joy + Surprise	Pessimism	Sadness+Anticipation
Submission	Trust + Fear	Contempt	Disgust + Anger
Curiosity	Trust + Surprise	Cynicism	Disgust +Anticipation
Sentimentality	Trust + Sadness	Morbidness	Disgust + Joy
Awe	Fear + Surprise	Aggression	Anger + Anticipation
Despair	Fear + Sadness	Pride	Anger + Joy
Shame	Fear + Disgust	Dominance	Anger + Trust
Disappointment	Surprise+Sadness	Optimism	Anticipation + Joy
Unbelief	Surprise+Disgust	Hope	Anticipation +Trust
Outrage	Surprise + Anger	Anxiety	Anticipation + Fear

This chart helped me understand the joining of primary emotions and helped me identify what I was feeling in certain situations. It allowed me to consider how I was expressing emotion and my actions based on different stimuli. It explained some of my reactions and helped me reflect on my behaviours (positive and negative). This is an ongoing process and I am still learning which are my triggers and what can be left behind. I’m still learning how to create good boundaries and how to move forward with acceptance.

By continuing with journaling I have been able to share my experiences in a stable and more balanced way with my husband. I have allowed myself to create the changes I need to self-improve and I feel I am empowered to share my emotions in a much more constructive way. It is a wonderful way to reflect and analyse my own emotional patterns to help meet any changes or challenges that are occurring.

Maintaining a mindfulness practice allows me to attend to my emotions, be curious and patient with them, learn to accept we have different emotions and change my emotions to other emotions.

Time to Have a Go!

Using your Journal (using pen and paper) take as much time as needed to look at a relationship issue. This could be related to work, a personal relationship, family, children, or anything else.

Remember your journal entries are private and the journal is a way to express your own feelings and problems without hurting anyone involved. As you write, you may be able to see the situation more objectively (after letting off steam), thus allowing you to pinpoint more accurately the reasons behind your anger, sadness, frustration, etc. When you are ready to have a conversation with the people involved you may be able to resolve them more easily.

Really take time to notice words you are using. Sometimes they are markers to deeper feelings within your subconscious. Highlight or underline words and feelings that seem to recur. Try to understand why these things are important to you.

7. Reflection on Emotional Issues

September 16, 2019 by kateevershed

‘The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist.’ Will Smith

We can approach our emotions or emotional states from a position of power or a position of powerlessness.

Emotional issues are among the most painful of all for us to deal with as they can create feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, fear, guilt and self-loathing. By learning ways to deal with our fearful emotions we are freed from a cycle. As the saying goes: we fear what we don’t know or understand.

By taking a proactive approach to reflection we grow our awareness of our selves. This helps us to integrate new learning when situations recur and develops our emotional intelligence. As a person, if we can accept all our aspects of self (the good, the bad and everything in between) we are able to move forward with respect for our self.

We all have many parts that need to be integrated, accepted and loved for what they teach us. If we can move to a state of observation without judgment on ourselves, we can pass these observations and non-judgment to those around us. As we grow and change, we develop more flexible responses to triggers and negative patterns. To be whole we must work on our strengths but never ignore our weaknesses. It’s our weaknesses that teach us the most as they highlight what we need to work on in order to move forward.

Time to Have a go!

Emotions will always crop up so allow the emotion to be present without judgment. Practice a steady and relaxed naming of emotions throughout your day and say to yourself: ‘joy’, ‘anger’, ‘frustration’, ‘happy’. Acceptance of the presence of your emotions allows you to re-wire your brain and develop your response to a situation.

Once you have practiced naming emotions throughout your day, for a week, try and extend the exercise.

You may wish to look at an area of weakness or fragility to work on for building understanding and acceptance of the emotions involved.

You may wish to look at an area of strength to work on for building understanding and acceptance of the emotions involved.

6. Control (well, the illusion of control!)

July 26, 2019July 26, 2019 by kateevershed

In one of my mindfulness group lessons, our instructor very gently but firmly introduced the topic for the week: ‘How much control do you have?’ Most of us laughed at the absurdity of the topic. WE ALL HAVE CONTROL…

Maybe. But perhaps most of us have much less control than we think.

As you continue reading, consider that your mind enables you to shape the world around you and to make it conform to your wishes by providing shelter, warmth, food, water and protection. The controls you have are normally over external, environmental factors but what about your internal world? What about the world of thoughts, emotions, memories, urges and sensations?

Our instructor got us ready for our first meditation and gave us our normal instructions but with a couple of ‘extras’. Our first meditation was along the following lines:

“I would like you to stop yourself from thinking for two minutes. For the next two minutes prevent any thoughts whatsoever from coming into your mind – especially any thoughts about a flower or a shooting star!“

Well needless to say, we all laughed as we inevitably thought about flowers and shooting stars.

As you continue reading, I want you to avoid thinking about your favourite chocolate or ice cream. Don’t think about the texture, the colour or how it tastes as you take a bite. Whatever you do don’t think about how good it feels as it melts in your mouth…

How are you doing? Have you gone to get a snack? Perhaps like me you just got lost in a memory of a summer day enjoying an ice cream or being snuggled on the sofa with a chocolate dessert.

Last one. Take a moment to think about a lemon.

How did you go? What did you experience? Did you sense any physical reactions such as your mouth watering, your heartbeat changing, screwing up your face, experiencing a sense of bitterness, sweating, repulsion…?

Are you really able to control what you think and feel? The truth is we all have much less control over our thoughts, feelings and sometimes physical reactions than we’d like. What we can control is our actions and it’s through taking action that we can create a rich, full and meaningful life.

As I continue on my journey, I know I have had times when I just wanted to run and hide. I just didn’t want to be in any social environment with any form of interaction. When I started my first steps into mindfulness, in a class with other people, I was struggling with myself to control emotional turmoil caused by family illness, excessive workloads and work restructuring. I was experiencing panic, anxiety, self-judgment, failure and low self-esteem.

I just could not cope with the sensory overload with competing deadlines and long-distance calls at odd hours. One day I returned from the course and couldn’t even remember driving home except for the extreme fog on the motorway, long tendrils winding across the road, then no fog, then moving back into deep patches that obscured other cars completely. I realised that was exactly like my mind and my emotions rolling in and out, swirling around, receding and then completing blanketing any thoughts or emotions I was having. I was confused and very numb. Depression was rolling back in and I really didn’t want that again. All I could think was, ‘oh, the vicious circle is back’.

A few days after that drive home I realised I had forgotten the homework and reading we had to complete. I worked myself up so much that I went into a BLUE FUNK. I was ranting and raving at myself: how can I do this? “I can’t even concentrate! I can’t even remember what I had to drink ten minutes ago so how am I supposed to do reading, take notes, comprehend what is being said? I need to lie down, I haven’t ironed my clothes, I haven’t cleaned the house, I’m not even dressed…” the list continued on and on.

As I calmed down, I started judging myself and all I could think was that I had failed. Mindfulness is about non-judgment, compassion, acceptance and kindness to oneself, none of which I was managing to achieve. So, what was that homework I had to do? It was asking me what I do to try to avoid emotions and feelings! Urghhhh! Well, everything! I put on a brave face; I smiled and said everything was fine; I indulged in comfort eating; I drank alcohol; I hid and avoided seeing anyone, including really compassionate, loving friends; sleeping didn’t sleep; I wouldn’t get dressed in the morning; I wouldn’t talk about my problems but contemplated that life would be better without me in it. I did so many things to avoid feeling the emotions and the dark negative thoughts I was having. I was avoiding at all costs acknowledging my fear, guilt at not being home in Australia to help with my ill family, hurt, exhaustion, and stress and bullying at work. All of this accumulated into an intense unhappiness.

Did I do the reading for homework? Yes, eventually, and it took time. I was really struggling with the concepts as I really still couldn’t hold in the information which was so foreign to me.

I discovered I was employing some of the most common control strategies to avoid, get rid of, or escape from my very unpleasant emotions and feelings.

Russ Harris, in the Happiness Trap (2008), divided a number of control measures into our Flight or Fight responses. From the following, what control measures have you used or do you put in place?

*Flight Strategies*	*Fight Strategies*
*Hiding/Escaping:* You hide away or escape from people, places, situations, or activities that tend to give rise to uncomfortable thoughts or feelings. For example, you dropout of a course or cancel a social event in order to avoid feelings of anxiety.	*Suppression:* You try to directly suppress unwanted thoughts and feelings. You forcefully push unwanted thoughts from your mind, or you push your feelings ‘deep down inside’.
*Distraction:* You distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and feelings by focussing on something else. For example, you’re bored or anxious, so you smoke a cigarette or eat some ice -cream or go shopping. Or you’re worried about some important issue at work, so you spend all night watching TV to try to keep your mind off it.	*Arguing:* You argue with your own thoughts. For example, if your mind says, ‘you’re a failure,’ you may argue back, ‘oh, no I’m not – just look at everything I’ve achieved in my work.’ Alternatively, you may argue against reality, protesting ‘it shouldn’t be like this!’
*Zoning Out/Numbing:* You try to cut off from your thoughts and feelings by ‘zoning out’ or making yourself numb, most commonly through the use of medication, drugs, or alcohol. Some people do their zoning out by sleeping excessively or simply by ‘staring at walls.’	*Taking Charge:* You try to take charge of your thoughts and feelings. For example, you may tell yourself things like, ‘snap out of it!’ ‘stay calm!’ or ‘Cheer up!’ Or you try to force yourself to be happy when you’re not.
	*Self Bullying:* You try to bully yourself into feeling differently. You call yourself names like ‘loser’ or ‘idiot’. Or you criticize and blame yourself: ‘Don’t be so pathetic! You can handle this. Why are you being such a coward?!’

How many did you use? All, some or just a few? I used a number of them depending on what was occurring and how robust I felt at the time. These control strategies are normal responses and healthy if you:

Use in moderation
Use them in situations where they work
Using them doesn’t stop you from doing the things you love.

They become an issue when: used excessively, in situations where they can’t work, using them stops you from doing the things you truly value.

The reading and homework prompted me to realised that I was ‘zoning out’ using alcohol more and more excessively. I was using alcohol to escape from marking drudgery (I‘m a Lecturer), my intake increased the larger the class and thus the workload. It was my crutch to gain a little laughter and to switch off from unrealistic marking targets, constant preparation, losing a work/life balance. I realised I was no longer enjoying the ‘hit’ or getting the ‘hit’ from a glass but needed more and more to get the same buzz. The alcohol also become a great depressor for me, the day after crash was more pronounced and I was even more down, frustrated and felt more guilty than before. I was losing my sparkle and joy fast. I was also gaining weight exponentially – not walking or moving as fast as before, struggling with stairs etc. All signs that I was overusing my ‘zone out’.

Time to have a go!

We all have urges and most urges don’t last for very long. However, if the urge to keep snacking, eating or having more to drink continues we normally give in to it and this can have long term effects on our health. The following mindful exercise is asking you to experience change and impermanence of urges. By using mindfulness, we stay exposed to the thought, feeling and urges for their natural duration without feeding or repressing them. In fact, if we just let an urge be, non-judgmentally, without feeding or fighting it then it will crest, subside and pass.

Experiencing the Changing Nature and Impermanence of Urges

Get yourself into a comfortable meditation position (sitting or lying) and you can close your eyes or leave them open.

Start with concentrating on your breath.

As you continue your breathing start to notice or sense any discomfort e.g. restlessness, an itch, pressure point

Note the desire to relieve the (your) discomfort by moving and resist it!

Notice the thoughts that arise e.g. ‘I wish this itch would go’; ‘it is driving me crazy’; ‘this pressure point is so uncomfortable!’

Now say calmly to yourself: ‘this too will pass’

Now say irritably to yourself: ‘this too will pass’

Notice the thought that arise e.g. ‘this is not bloody well passing!’ ‘I really would love to have a scratch right now!’ ‘I want to adjust the way I am sitting to relieve the pressure on….’

These are just thoughts passing through. So gently bring your attention back to your breath and bodily sensations. Notice the changing position, shape and quality of the discomfort over time. Being interested in the feeling as precisely as you can. Just notice how the shape and intensity changes with the cycle of your breath. Is it more intense on the in breath or the out breath?

Have your thoughts spontaneously gone to other matters e.g. planning a holiday, shopping lists, to-do lists, school runs, football game, a fight with your partner? Again these are just thoughts and if you have strayed gently bring your attention back to your breath and body sensations. Have these changed? Probably. They will be different again.